At 16 years old Jennifer Mogensen was on the high school basketball team, sang in her church choir and enjoyed hanging out with her friends at Taco Bell. However, come Christmas 1984 her life filled with turmoil.
On December 20, Mogensen’s 12-year-old sister, Jonelle Matthews, went missing from their family home, in Greely, Colorado. According to the Greeley Tribune, Matthew’s disappearance was one of the most publicized cases of its time and despite thousands of tips made to police, a $20,000 reward and acknowledgement by former President Ronald Reagan, Matthews’ whereabouts is still unknown.
Mogensen was 3 years old when her family adopted Matthews through a Catholic Family Services program at the Sunny View Church of Nazarene. “My sister raised her arm up to my dad and grabbed his finger… that’s how we chose her,” Mogensen said.
Growing up, Mogensen and Matthews’ relationship was strained. Their differing personalities often led to disagreements and bickers. The night Matthews disappeared they fought over Mogensen’s clothes. “You just regret stuff like that, when you’re not going to see somebody again you don’t want to fight over a coat,” Mogensen recalls.
Mogensen, now 50, resides in Washington with her husband, Benjy, and son, Cody. Even though time has healed most wounds, there will always be a part of her that wonders what happened to her little sister.
Each year, more than 800,000 children are reported missing in the United States. This is an alarming number, but it doesn’t include the other young victims, the brothers and sisters of the missing child. Sadly, their grief is often overlooked.
Adolescence is a particularly vulnerable time during childhood to experience the loss of a sibling. Despite this, very little research has examined "adolescent sibling bereavement."
One of the few studies, conducted by researchers at the Swinburne University of Technology, discovered adolescent sibling bereavement is very unique. Adolescent siblings often experience trauma not only associated with the loss of the missing child but also through a sense of neglected grief.
A sense of neglected grief forms when a sibling feels their needs and their grief are not acknowledged or are seen as less important. In the mental health industry, these siblings are commonly referred to as “glass children.”
Counsellor and trauma and grief specialist Andrea Shindle says, the formation of a “glass child” is never intended but as a result the child experiences additional and prolonged grief.
It is important to note that not all individuals who experience adolescent sibling bereavement are considered a “glass child.” “Grief can be as diverse as the population it represents,” Shindle explains.
“Grief can be as diverse as the population it represents.” - Andrea Shindle
EFFECTS OF ADOLESCENT SIBLING BEREAVEMENT
The immediate effects of adolescent sibling bereavement are similar to those commonly associated with grief. For example, shock, fear, anger and guilt.
However, adolescent sibling bereavement also has additional effects. Adolescent siblings can face family separation and abandonment, the desire to not cause other family members any further unhappiness and pressure to take the place of the missing child.
These effects can lead to aggressive and defensive behaviour. For example, feeling the need to carry weapons to protect themselves from being ‘taken’ , social withdrawal and hiding to avoid be being ‘taken’ , regression to behaviors of an earlier age and projecting fear onto their own children.
Additionally, when adolescent siblings experience neglected grief this can lead to development and wellbeing challenges such as difficulty forming romantic relationships and a lack of independence and career progression.
When adolescent sibling bereavement and neglected grief are combined, on-going mental health problems including, anxiety, depression and eating disorders can also develop.
Mogensen is an exception. “I’m a realist and I refused to live in fear,” Mogensen said when asked about the effects of her grief.
COPING WITH ADOLESCENT SIBLING BEREAVEMENT
There is no right or wrong way to cope with grief. Shindle believes any coping method can be productive. “I see coping methods as a way of communicating what the client is going through.” It can help to identify what needs to be addressed.
“I refused to live in fear.” – Jennifer Mogensen
Mental health services have come a long way since 1984. Shindle recommends seeking family support, individual and family counselling and consulting a doctor for any physical pain caused by grief. Support from other siblings of missing children can also be helpful. While confronting, it provides an opportunity to compare and normalize experiences and reactions.
Mogensen never sought counselling. Her support came from her parents and her faith in God. Her family also made a conscious effort to go about their normal life. “It wasn’t a normal life, but we tried,” Mogensen recalls.
Mogensen says experiencing the disappearance of her sister taught her a lot at 16. “As cliché as it sounds, I learned that love not expressed is love unknown. If you appreciate someone or someone has done something that you are grateful for, tell them, because you just never know.”
“Love not expressed is love unknown.” – Jennifer Mogensen